Histrionic Personality Disorder HPD

                                         With friends at a recent lunch.

             Any reference to the HPD is totally not related to anyone in this photo

The last few weeks I have been following the Johnny Depp Amber Heard defamation trial closely and several of the new personality disorders raised up by the Depp psychologists and plaintiff team are the 2 below :

1. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

2. Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)

The amazing thing about this trial is that thanks to the cameras rolling in the court, a lot of the everyday 'interactions' between partners, spouses, colleagues and friends can be located along a broad spectrum of behaviors, and some can be considered 'controlling'. The 3 types of 'controlling techniques' which one partner can impose on the other can be one specific or up to three rolled in together. 

a) verbal : nagging, incessant scolding, gaslighting and the like 

b) psychological : offloading the sense of guilt to the other partner so that the partner feels inferior or insecure in the relationship.

c) physical : this is the worst and can range from simple 'coralling', or guiding to restraint and even some physicality between partners.

Do note, that I specifically DID NOT mention 'abuse'.   

The bottom line with every relationship it is best to have a 'give and take' attitude, so that both partners can emerge from it relatively happy and satisfied.

Let me take a deeper dive into the second personality disorder.

Histrionic Personality Disorder

I do know personally of 2 such persons exhibiting such behavior which is typified by 5 behavior patterns :

1. Attention and approval seeking continuously from those around them, from their partners, friends and colleagues. He or she will feel uncomfortable in the presence of others if he or she does not stand out  

2. Seeking affirmation and 'likes' from friends, and even strangers - Facebook and Youtube are 2 such platforms on social media which attenuate these kinds of behaviours.

3. Emotional Overreaction - he or she will revel in drama almost on a daily basis.

4. Dress provocatively and always talk suggestive to people around them.

5. Excessive Gaslighting ; blaming other people for their failures. It is almost never their fault. 

Causes

1.Genetic and Psychological. The person may have been brought up in a very entitled manner and expecting everything to be done for him or her and according to his whims and fancies. Or, it may be a trait pertinent to his family.  

2. Close and Traumatic events in his or her past, such as a divorce, or death of a close family member, spouse or friend. 

The Result 

The person(s) will have multiple issues keeping close relationships and having proper relationships where people are seen to be avoiding their company and there presence. 

I have kept my distance with at least one such person, although he is not a 'bad' person per say. 

There are treatments available, however, the person first and foremost needs to acknowledge that the problem lies with him or her, before seeking treatment and then trying to find solutions to mitigating their problem so that they can be happier and create and maintain more satisfying relationships with the nearest and their dearest. 

Case Study  

The friend who (in my opinion only) checks all the boxes for the HPD once was invited by me to attend some martial arts (karate) class conducted by our school (dojo) as he had stopped class for several years to take care of a loved one.

He tends to think highly of himself and states that he was good at this and that in school. So, it was with the karate class, he was readying himself to return to the fold, so to speak.

As it turned out, on the day itself, he could hardly keep up after 30 minutes and dropped out of class. Although he had a senior belt (Brown 2) his fitness was nowhere near some of our senior members. So he took leave and rested and went home. Such was his demeanor, and lack of courtesy that although no one in our dojo stated it, I felt that this guy was 'all talk and show and no action'. (NATO).

A week later, I invited him to join in the drinks with the rest of the trainees, and it was there where he badmouthed some very senior instructor in another dojo where he and his family used train frequently. He cited racial prejudice, and I stopped him short of creating further animosity with the use of  his words and citing that the  person  he mentioned was a man of high standing and great moral character. He would never do such a thing, especially in the public domain and even in realm of  personal interrelationships, he is a class gentleman. 

To badmouth a person behind his back, especially when he is a friend and a respected member of the karate fraternity is nothing short of exhibiting low class and shallow behavior and attitude.

If he is not up to standard, and cannot meet the mark of achieving the Gold Standard of a Black Belt, he first has to acknowledge his inadequacies, then try his very best to 'up his game', train harder and put in more time  to reach the level required.

In short, "shut up, double down and try again".  

I took my friend to task, because slander of a person behind his back is a very serious thing when it is unjustified.

Conclusion

People such as him need counselling and medical assessment (I am not a psychologist) to prevent further erosion of his esteem and his interpersonal relationships will be strengthened much further in the coming years ahead.

5 Values to Uphold

I am nearing the twilight years (10 more if I am lucky), I am blessed by so many things and am very appreciative of that fact. Yesterday, I met with some old school friends from Johor Bahru and we were reflecting on how COVID had adversely affected their lives, and what we planned to do now that the endemic phase of this awful disease is all around us. We have to Stay Calm, Take our Boosters and Carry On.

I have had several good hobbies which I cultivated for the last 22 years starting from March 2020. These hobbies have seared into my mind some lifelong values which I will continue as long as I live. Here are 5 such values 

Discipline 

Waking up as early as 5 am, doing my toiletries and going out for a 10 km or even longer 14 km practically 4 weekdays and 1 weekend (Saturday) has imbued upon me this value. If you want to attain a high goal, you must have discipline to see it through.

In fact, what I have learnt is that if you want to run a Marathon, which is 42.195 km, you need to set at least a 6 months to 12 months planned running schedule where you have to start with what distance you are comfortable running.

Say, you can run 2.4 km, all National Servicemen who have completed their obligations to the country, can do this without  breaking much of a sweat. So, start from there, and do longer runs, from 2.4km to 4km to 5 km. Have realistic set goals, and rest days, eat properly and raise the length, duration and your running speed as you get fitter.

Once you manage 5 km, then again raise the bar to 6,7,8 and finally 10Km.

Motivate yourself by going for short 10K races (there are plenty in S'pore and the region). Set yourself these mid term goals and reward yourself once you have done the first 10K.

And so you will then continue to run, extend your running lengths, find running partners to motivate you even further and if you are dedicated, and resilient enough, you will finally be able to run 21K.

And then, you repeat the same formula as stated above to extend (if your body can take it) till you can run a full marathon. If not, run the distance which your fitness, time and body can adequately do. Build up your stamina in the meantime. 

Break down the large goal into numerous smaller more achievable goals and once you have regularly hit those small goals, incrementally raise the bar, bit by bit over the months, and years until your are finally ready to tackle the BIG GOAL.  

If I didn't have the discipline to wake up at 5am, I would not have the body stamina and capacity to run numerous marathons and half marathons.

Discipline has helped me tremendously in my business, with family and my friends.

Clarity of Thought - Knowing Myself

I play Sudoku almost on a daily basis, I get to organise my thoughts and realise that my mental capacity to memorise, apply logic, make decisions come mainly from having a clear and organised mind. The Art of Thinking Clearly by Ralf Dobell is a tremendous book which has many chapters which point out the innate biasnesses in our minds and with those whom we interact with.

My mental agility has improved, as has my maths arithmetic. Logic must and always supercede emotion, though this is a difficult pathway. This is especially important when making major financial decisions which will impact my quality and standard of living for the next 3, 5 and 10 years.

Resilience - Abie to bounce back from failures 

I have had numerous setbacks in my business, each one had impacted me financially, emotionally and created some (minor thankfully) health issues. The failures have steeled me to even stronger mental fortitude and to be able to take as many hardships and setbacks in my stride. 

Its how you bounce back from failures that people view you in retrospect. 

Integrity - Say what you will ultimately do 

I know of friends who chose to enjoy the day recklessly and end up being bitter or with some chip on their shoulder for many unfullfilled potentials in their lives. I would like to write to them and say, "hey, it is still not too late..".

If you state you want to accomplish this or that, then study the road map to achieving it and do it. Bear in mind the economic, time and emotional tradeoffs which you need to discuss with your immediate family, spouse, friends, colleagues and whomever you are interacting on a daily weekly, monthly and yearly basis.

Plan, Do Check and Action - always take stock along the way to see how far off you are from reaching that goal, and tweak or even backtrack if the set goal is too far away from being achieved. 

Honesty and Kindness - to yourself, loved ones and those I come across 

I try not to kid myself and be in denial. I also try to honestly tell my close friends their flaws and in the hope we can all gravitate to a better relationship bound by the right values.   

With these 5 values, I am still a work in progress, I am ever vigilant of the running down of the clock in my life and want to be a positive force for good to the next generations so that these values can be properly imparted and dwelled upon to ultimately make my little 'sphere of influence' a better place. 

Happy May 2nd 2022 friends and readers !   

 

Remembering Good Friday

          

Photo credits to Alicia Quan 

             

              Here's wishing all my Christian friends a thoughtful Good Friday.

Every religion has its good values and Christianity is no different. While the war in Ukraine is progressing, with thousands of deaths, and accusations of genocide and war crimes,let us not be diassociated with the other troubles in other parts of the world which we are aware of :

a) The plight of the Rohinga in Myanmar

b) The economic malaise in Sri Lanka

c) The political upheaval in Pakistan

d)  The ongoing war and unrest in Syria and the new takeover of Afghanistan

News outlets have a responsibility to present fair, evidence based reporting with no agenda other than showing the world the truth. However the 'truth' is always the first to be compromised when the media is from certain parts of the world (say the West for example).

The US has in the last decade lost its moral and economic authority to lead the world by example, and it only retains military superiority - which it manifests and makes full use of to its own interests.

Try to lead a good life like Jesus did. 

"Forgive them Father for they know not what they do " was apparently uttered when he was crucified on the cross at Calvary. 

Very true and accurate.

Man has the propensity for evil thoughts and deeds. Thats why there is religion and the rule of law for people to adhere and comply with. No questions asked once the law is in force, for it is meant to maintain social stability and harmony.

Entrust the wrong person with power and it is a dangerous precedence which can lead to disastrous consequences for all.

  

Niccolo Machiavelli - Beware of Flatterers

Recently, I have been re-reading this classic book written in the late 15th century by the Venetian courtesan Niccolo Machiavelli - The Prince.

It is standard reading for all statesmen, politicians, kings, queens, princes and anybody who is holding a position of responsibility. 

One of the most fascinating chapters is about "Flatterers". Never be swayed by flattery so as to follow the flatterer. 

Here are the key takeaways. 

The courtyards of the old kings, and princes are full of people who are sycophants. Or ecolytes whose primary purpose is to render some service to the royalty. Hence a wise prince must steer clear of flattery when it is ill intended or with some kind of ulterior motive behind the person paying the compliment.

1. There is no way you (as the Prince) can guard against flattery. You can never guess what the person you are interacting is thinking. In addition, as you are more senior in title and of nobility, they would want to 'curry favor' you at every conceivable opportunity, so it is best to be guarded when you are at the receiving end of a compliment, especially from a person who id directly reporting to you.

2. The prince should elect wise men and women and give them permission to speak to him truthfully - ideally in private or in a one to one setting. The truth hurts most times, but the truth does set a person free from his own biases and a preconceived mindset

3. The Prince once he has listened to the wise men and women, should then deliberate whether the opinion or the strategy is in the best interest of his job and then decide for himself whether he should accomodate or implement the opinion and / or strategy approriately.

Of course, the wise men and women, may not have their feet on the ground as is the case of many people who are elderly and they may not be 'clued in' to what is actually the ground sentiment.

However, as they are elderly and experienced, they can observe and advise the Prince on what is the right thing to do, though it may be painful at times, the populist prince is soon dethroned. 

4. The Prince should only seek advice when he wants to. He should not listen to all and sundry as 10 advisors will give 10 different paths to chart.

5. A wise man has something to say. A fool has to say something. There is a distinct difference in the 2 kinds of people.

6. In the final analysis, good advice, must arise from the prudence of the prince and NOT the prudence of the prince adapting to good advice. This is KEY  

In the Midst of the Global Uncertainties, there is always Sudoku

The world is facing unprecedented challenges. The conflict in Ukraine is tragic, as is the COVID -19 situation which has cost the globe millions of lives like nothing ever experienced in our lifetime. Businesses are facing supply chain disruptions, ever rising costs of goods, oil prices, pump prices, electricity and in general, costs of things are going up at a high pace. COEs are skyrocketing, as the the resale of HDB flats and new condominiums.

It is easy to feel down about the uncertain situation, as everyday we are inundated with bad news in the international front, as well as the local front. So, it was a big relief that the Ministers announced that the group sizes for going out and meeting has been raised from 5 to 10, as well as the intermittent use of masks, provided we have all had our booster shots.

Today, I am just so pleased to report that I managed to finish the ST Sudoku after 2 weeks of failing to complete. It took me longer than usual, but the fact of the matter is that I completed it. A little pat on my back. 

Persistence, dogged determination and patience is a must.

The small victory today will bode me well for the challenging months ahead, as see some light at the end of this dark and stormy period.

Carpe Diem ! 

 

Magnificent View Between Nice and Monaco - Dec 2018

 

The War in Ukraine Could Change Everything - Yuval Noah Harari - TED Talk

Watch this enlightening video by a historian - furturist I truly admire, Yuval Noah Harari. It is a chilling and frightening discussion that this war could be the start of a very destabilising New World Order. The psychological impact in the minds of the Europeans is totally not measurable

and I fear for the future humankind as this discussion shows.